Today's the anniversary of my grandmother's death. One year ago, just a few minutes past midnight, she slipped away in a coma from a severe stroke.
We had spent two days gathered around her sleeping body, touching her limbs, trying to collect signs that she would be coming back to us. When the nurse trailed a finger against the sole of her foot, the toes arched and crinkled. She gnawed and gnashed her teeth, clamping down hard whenever the nurses probed a tube in her mouth, and we believed that she could still hear us, and was trying to respond. Still responsive, we thought. Still responsive.
It comes and goes, these memories of her. Mostly, I think of her slow shuffle through the streets, the way her arms sway in momentum and the way the sun glints off her glasses. I think of the way she'd hold my hand and say that my blood circulation is bad, that her limbs are even warmer than mine. I think of how she used to tell me a horrifically bloody Little Red Riding Hood tale as my bedtime story and how she used to bring me bananas, star cookies, and those pink candies she preferred that were wrapped in designs of flowers. I think of her love of Hong Kong TVB dramas and wonder what her reactions would be to the new shows that are coming out.
I smile sometimes. But mostly, I cry.
I feel guilty that I can still be happy today of all days. And there are no words of comfort that still doesn't sound mundane to me. "It's okay.", "She's in a better place now.", "She wouldn't want you to feel sad." I've heard them all.
What matters?
I think of her final, lonely moments.
To think I almost forgot.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Through Me Chapter 21
Whew, Through Me Chapter 21 has finally been updated and I kinda made the deadline? Okay, technically, I said tomorrow in the Sunday update which should mean Monday, but since I count days by my sleep cycles and I'm still up, it's still Monday to me ... and people on the West Coast?
Sorry for the long wait! Please understand though that if I promise a day, unless I post another note on the blog stating otherwise, I will try to update on that day even if I have to work into the next morning - which means, your best bet is to check early next morning and not every other hour that same day because I know that just builds, simmers, boils up frustration and I get scared from the griping that results. I'm a timid creature.
Unfortunately, since I have so little free time, I generally cram a writing marathon in on one day and then I burn myself out. Please don't get frustrated if you don't immediately see an update on the day I promise. I am working on it. It will be out by dawn.
This past weekend has been largely spent on this chapter, except I scrapped most of the original halfway to rework it again. I'm absolutely worn out. But! Now I have ... epidemiology readings and worksheets to look forward to. Joy.
One note: I think Fictionpress' alert system is down again since I haven't received notices of some reviews so I think the Chapter Alert is most likely messed up too. I'm also not too sure about the effects on Private Messages so if anyone needs to contact me, please understand if you don't hear from me. I probably didn't get it.
Now I ... need to sleep.
Sorry for the long wait! Please understand though that if I promise a day, unless I post another note on the blog stating otherwise, I will try to update on that day even if I have to work into the next morning - which means, your best bet is to check early next morning and not every other hour that same day because I know that just builds, simmers, boils up frustration and I get scared from the griping that results. I'm a timid creature.
Unfortunately, since I have so little free time, I generally cram a writing marathon in on one day and then I burn myself out. Please don't get frustrated if you don't immediately see an update on the day I promise. I am working on it. It will be out by dawn.
This past weekend has been largely spent on this chapter, except I scrapped most of the original halfway to rework it again. I'm absolutely worn out. But! Now I have ... epidemiology readings and worksheets to look forward to. Joy.
One note: I think Fictionpress' alert system is down again since I haven't received notices of some reviews so I think the Chapter Alert is most likely messed up too. I'm also not too sure about the effects on Private Messages so if anyone needs to contact me, please understand if you don't hear from me. I probably didn't get it.
Now I ... need to sleep.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Updates? Update & Phlegm Puker
Sorry, readers! I've scrapped most of what I had and had to rework the next chapter for Through Me because the original scene didn't jive with me. I can't get it out by tonight, but I'm aiming for tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
My Biochem exam kicked my ass. I was in catatonic shock afterward. It's not that I failed it, but it's something that I wished I could have done better on. Ever had moments when you go over the exam and change your answers - and the original answers always end up being the right ones? I ALWAYS do that and I despise myself for it. It gives me hurtburn.
The other day on the train, as I tried to review my notes and get a quick nap in, I was jolted from my blissful reverie of having found a seat during the busy morning hour by the passenger next to me. I was utterly revolted. The man sitting next to me had finished his breakfast of bread and coffee before proceeding to cough and hack the rest of the trip. He'd coughcoughcough and make this sound like he's going to throw up (everybody in the train car had turned around, alarmed, probably thinking "Oh shit. Please, please, please don't let some puker delay the train.") and then he'd cough up a wad of phlegm into his empty cup. It wasn't just once. He did it maybe four times throughout the ride, continuously hacking as if he's about to spew his food and then he'd just reach down, uncap his coffee cup and spit into it, continuously filling it with his phlegm.
Ugh. The worst thing about this is that he didn't even take his cup with him when he left the train. No. He left it underneath his seat, all germified. Despicable.
My skin crawled the rest of the day.
My Biochem exam kicked my ass. I was in catatonic shock afterward. It's not that I failed it, but it's something that I wished I could have done better on. Ever had moments when you go over the exam and change your answers - and the original answers always end up being the right ones? I ALWAYS do that and I despise myself for it. It gives me hurtburn.
The other day on the train, as I tried to review my notes and get a quick nap in, I was jolted from my blissful reverie of having found a seat during the busy morning hour by the passenger next to me. I was utterly revolted. The man sitting next to me had finished his breakfast of bread and coffee before proceeding to cough and hack the rest of the trip. He'd coughcoughcough and make this sound like he's going to throw up (everybody in the train car had turned around, alarmed, probably thinking "Oh shit. Please, please, please don't let some puker delay the train.") and then he'd cough up a wad of phlegm into his empty cup. It wasn't just once. He did it maybe four times throughout the ride, continuously hacking as if he's about to spew his food and then he'd just reach down, uncap his coffee cup and spit into it, continuously filling it with his phlegm.
Ugh. The worst thing about this is that he didn't even take his cup with him when he left the train. No. He left it underneath his seat, all germified. Despicable.
My skin crawled the rest of the day.
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